It happened today. For the very first time since Hayden started daycare/parent’s day out/having a babysitter over a year ago she cried as I dropped her off... I put her down in her room with the other little ones, she ran off to go play, joyfully squealing as she caught up with her friends playing with the toy trucks.
As I watched her play I walked over to her cubby and unpacked her lunch, her halloween pumpkin, her night night and her dog dog. Once it was all out and in order, I walked to the door and took a quick picture of my little dressed up fairy (it was Halloween costume day) having the time of her life with her Tuesday/Thursday friends. As I do every day when I drop her off I waved to her and said “Bye bye Hayden, I love you!” I expected her to turn around and give me a cheesy grin and wave like she typically does, except she didn’t. Today my little 13 month old dressed in fairy wings and a tulle skirt jumped up ran over to me grabbed my legs and started bawling alligator tears begging me not to leave.
My momma heart shattered in a million pieces. I’m sure it’s no coincidence that I’ve been working nonstop for the past two weeks because of back to back weddings — and haven’t been able to spend a full day either weekend with her -- some days I've had to leave for a wedding set up before she was awake and got home after she'd been put to sleep. My work has been demanding, incredibly so lately as we’ve come to the end of my 2018 wedding season and my little baby love has taken the brunt of it (and my husband) as I’ve had to spend more time on work than typically. I am so so blessed to live the life I do, to have the clients I do and to serve the brides I do. I love my job — I love my business! But I also love my family.
This week starts my season of rest and I could not be more excited. YES I will still be working — I have something like 5 proposals to get out this week from brides and grooms that have been patiently waiting for theirs as I've given all my time and energy to these end of the season weddings . I also have several work trips to see venues, scout locations and meet vendors, all the paperwork that comes with running a multi faceted business and planning multiple weddings for 2019 but no actual weddings. Not for the next 9 weeks at least! 9 weeks of family time, of restful Saturdays with my babygirl, husband and dog. 9 weeks that are still packed with Holidays, family graduations, and traveling, but 9 Saturdays that I get to just be, before 2019 comes flying in and we’re up and running with weddings again.
My season of rest comes with so many feelings. I, like probably every mom, suffer from Mom Guilt - that gut wrenching feeling of failure when you have to drop your kid off with a daycare or leave them with family or your spouse so that you can go earn money to support your family, or even for a few hours of much needed self care. But I also suffer from Work Guilt. That feeling that my career, my business, was my first baby, and when I spend all my time with my family being a “mom” or “wife” I’m not giving my all to my career (even when I know I am.. that inner demon still tells me I’m not enough). I KNOW Hayden will look up to and admire the strong, career driven her mom is one day because my biggest Boss Babe influence is my own mother, but DAMN Y’ALL it’s so hard. Being enough for everyone's hard. Knowing how to balance a career, a thriving business, a newer marriage (2 years is still pretty new) and being a mother to the most perfect little human there ever has been is HARD.
I could ramble on and on and on about today and all the feels that I have, about mom guilt, about work guilt, about work life balance and so much more. But I won’t, not today— today I’ll leave it at this. You are not alone Mommas. You are not alone working moms. You are not alone stay at home moms. You are not alone full time work from home moms. We're all in this together and we've got this! I have something REALLY special and exciting and cool planned to launch in 2019 for those of you that run your own business, run your family and need some fellow boss moms or mom-to-be’s to call your tribe. Stay tuned for more info as I get it all together. This is this life that He has chosen for me, this is the life I love, this is This Life I Cherish and I want YOU to CHERISH yours too!
We’ve got this, hang in there! All my love!
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